Hopefully you all have had the fortunate opportunity to encounter said Stig. If not, you’re missing out. Here’s our transcript from the other night. I acted as dictator. All material is copyrighted. If you dirty thieving little bastards even ATTEMPT to rob it, I shan’t be a happy bunny, you shitty little pirate hookers. I have a hole in my ribs now. I am only just recovering, wish me the best. (bolding my favourites).
BEHOLD AND BASK IN THE GLORY OF THE COMEDY GENIUS THAT IS .. THE STIG!!!
“ONE OF MY EYES ARE MADE OUT OF DUST”“you’ve gotta move ya scalp”“the underpants – they’d bin shit in”“CASUAL AS A SHARK”“I WAITED THREE DAYS THEN I RAN HIM OVER WITH A FORKLIFT”“WHAT TENT FLAPS WIDE OPEN AND ALL THAT?”“HE APPROACHED FIFTY – FOUR TIMES““AVE GOT ME MOUTH CLOSED FOR A BIT CAUSE I THOUGHT I’LL TRY THAT”“GET ON A GREYHOUND, PUT ME SHADES ON – IT’S NOT A PROBLEM““I’ve gotta channel all of my energys – I’ve got an interview at a pig farm next week. Bit of slaughter – if you’re interested, GNVQ”“ME WIFE RED THAT, SHE WAS TREMBLING. SO IF YOU’VE GOT A WIFE AND SHE’S TREMBLING – GET HER TO READ THAT.”“What’s going on, I’m a serious man!”“Given a choice between cod and haddock, I’d choose cod – Gotta be serious.”“Flick of a bogey, across the room – at your nan. When she’s asleep, after a sherry. There’s ya nativity scene.”“I’m fighting back – I’m gunna get a chocolate log!!““THE METAPHORICAL HILL, CLIMB IT WITH A BALLACLAVA!”“Walked in me kitchen, seen me wife – she’s sitting cooking pancakes in a balaclava, Not your normal domestic scene, so I sit down, reading the paper, look down, and she’s got two squirrels on the end of her feet – So fucking these squirrels fly off, bite her in the neck, get him, then they’re all yeah we’re bonnie and clyde – let’s do it. So they turn into blood squirrels, cutting each others little squirrel hands – they gather ammunition and supplies and various other squirrel amenities, they raid catflaps, sheds and birdboxes and they kill anyone that catches them in the act or try to steal their loot and they’re finally corned in Lan dudner by an enviromental health officer. They go down in a blaze of glory – you know diving through showers of bullets. Squirrel brothers to the end. Passionate story. It’s gone. Wow.”“Then they’d turn to a camera and get all serious, but they’d have a laugh, there was like funny spots and then there’d be a potato that looked like a penis or whatever.. esta ransin.. fucking .. yeah – what was I gunna say?”

“Pull the mushrooms out ya ears – we’re fucking moving forward.”

“esspecially birds, they’re horrible aren’t they errgh.. Grow some furr you horrible little bastards .. I had a crow as a pet you know? I called him crow.”

“just have to keep quiet and feel embarrassed“

“Anyway, I called my duck charlie, So I called charlie charlie, and I did it out of respect, as a homage to James.”

“And they got summer holidays too, you know.”

“Jack in the box is clearly an amputee, unconvincingly like its hands are just hanging here, stuck ont end of sleeves like you know.”

“STIG: so do you walk around town, in a short skirt, off your head, and puke up?
MARY: NO.
STIG: What’dya do instead? Heroin? Yeaaah.. – Safer option.”

“and he was backed up by this bitch from burma, she had a right squeaky voice she was all “yes you say that.” She was rotten to me.”

“Ivor the engine, that were ripped off. I said it was a dog, but it was really a gypsy. A gypsy named Myrtle. I’ll never forget, she tried to put a curse on me mar, so I grabbed her hair. I’ll never forget the feel of it.”

“REEL ‘ER IN – SHE’S A FEISTY MARE”

“We’ll have to get in the horse whisperer, he’s all: You’re maad, have you looked at the books, have to get ahorse shin kicker – 50 quid a day. You go up to them and kick them in the shin, if they wouldn’t let you jump on them.”

“You could sell these to the japanese – put em on a t-shirt they’d love it.”

“they’ve only got short legs for horses like.”

“a little man with a confident stride.”

“No like, what he does like .. hang on, I’ll just a grip of me self. what he does right is he’s confidently striding. I CAN SEE HIM I CAN SEE HIM – I SWEAR. IT’S LIKE THAT FILM WITH THAT LITTLE BOY, Anyway.. He er like I said he’s got VERY short legs, striding .. you know his jacket.. you know he’s a professional like, he’s gotproper country trousers on. THIS IS PATHOLOGICAL NOW – WE NEED A PRIEST!! So he’s striding.. But he’s also wearing, cause he’s not from the country, cause he wants to, his jacket, you know cause he’s torso’s small as well, so his jacket is just above the knee, he’s had his sleeves raised, just you know, but they couldn’t move the pockets. He strides confidently towards the horse, she wouldn’t let anyone on.. the girl wasn’t for the riding sort of thing, but little fella sort of thing, she looks up and she’s chewing, she’s startled when she looks up cause she thinks someone is throwing corona, which you shouldn’t cause they’re glass and hedgehogs get glass caught in their spikes. fucking havock, amongst the spikey populus, anyway she kicks, she’s startled he kicks her in the shin, and that doubly styles her, and he runs around her but from a distance, cause they’re watching leaning on the fence, from the distance though, from his little run around the side, it looks to them like with his jacket, looks like he’s hovering, like with his proper country trousers that blend in with the grass. Hovering.”

“Mary: What pops unto your head when I say BADGER..
STIG: I dunno, th.. BLOOD. Scene outta Jackson Pollok.
Fucking self harmers those badgers.”

“So I said to him, yeah I’ll bang your wife, and you can sit down – I’d kick his head in”

“Like anybody, turn the telly on, walk me dog – check out the salads, they don’t have the garlic mushrooms any more, the bastards.”

“He sits there, cause he’s good looking, getting bits off the shoppers.”

“Reel them in bruce – That’s his name.”

“I’ve never laughed when someone’s said I can’t breathe.”

“THE GRIN BECOMES SOME BREAD.”

“like that’s me uncle tony, skipped a generation with me, so I’m alright – thought I think my dog might have it.”

“I THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE THAT MAN WAS THERE – HE HAD A NAME – HE WAS IN THE ROOM”

“CAUSE IT GRABS YOU, IF SOMEBODY WALKED IN YOU’D HAVE TO STOP“

“right imagine ya proper nativity scene, it’s on the ‘ills innit with all ya arabs, this one arab, Mustafa, he’s walking through the village, and his wife calls to him out window, well it’s a blanket really, not a window but you know, “Where’s you going,” cause it’s sunday, she was expecting to see him in the kitchen with his arse in the air. So she says “where you going?” he looks a bit shifty or whatever, he says he’s just off out for a walk round and about and back you know and she says “you got those scrolls, ya know – those parchments?” so he kinda pretends that he doesn’t have them or whatever when he does, so he gives them back and goes out for this pointless walk. The following day he bricks ‘er.”

And one of our Admin’s personal favourites : “Papercuts – the silent killer.”